Time not Wasted

So it's now 2:15 in the morning, and i just realized that I've stayed awake hours longer than I wanted to wating up on a guy that might not even be worth it.

I don't like being alone, although those times are rare.

Tonight is one of the first nights in a long time where I'm glad there's no one around to witness my ship crashing. Maybe It has something to do with the new year. Or maybe I'm just sick. Either way, I decided I'm not sleeping now, but the reason is no longer some guy.

My entire life has been based on a raising of two completely different parents and some of the most unique situations I could ever imagine. My mom is one of the prettiest people I have ever seen (and Korean), and I've always been told that my dad was a very attractive man.

I never got my dad's blue eyes, or his blond hair, but as my teenage years are coming to end, I realize I have always been given his sense of curiousity and understanding.

My mom was married once before she married my dad. I think that marriage lasted less than half a year. And about when she was 18.

She married my dad at maybe 20, and managed it for as long as she could. In the process had four kids. When I was fifteen, she got married to a police officer that she think she loved, and i would not have known anything different.

Sometime between my dad and mr. las vegas metro, she met a really really wonderful person that she never told me about til last year.

Turns out, she was sad and still going through a divorce when she met bob, he was married and going through divorce, they met and dated for awhile, but could never make things fit.

8-9years later they got married.

He since has become a millionare, president of Tecogen, Inc.
and my mom, his wife.

My mom is such an interesting person that I may or may not spend my entire life trying to figure out, but to say the least.... Although she is gorgeous, rich, and happy?, I have spent my time doing almost everything in my power to not end up like her.

Call it insane, call it self-searching, but I just don't want to see myself turn into the person I've spent my entire life trying to get to know.

Lately, I feel like I'm falling into that ever-avoidable trap.

I already look like half of her, and It has brought me enough blessings, often too many.
I can't figure out where I am at in my life right now, other than that I have caught myself caring more about my clothes, hair, etc than I have ever before, and turning into an OCD money planner. I haven't truly listened to my friends much lately, nor do I know what is going on between me and the unknown potentially close bf.

These are three things that my mother has spent the last 10years sponging herself in.
And I'm soooooo afraid of being that.
Being her.

Half is enough, and I'm not quite sure what or where my other half is right now. I really need to find it and I don't know how. I need help and I don't know how to ask for it.

For once, I don't know how to go about getting what I want.

Or by means of whom.
So...If I could ever fall asleep, I'd sleep on it.
For now, I'm trying to analyze this trap from the designer's point of view.