Tuesday, Bluesday (Jan 27)

4:00am- A loud, reoccuring buzz resonates throughout the small area of the bedroom. Time for work again. Slipping on my baggy hobo jeans, I pile back into bed to cherish the next fifteen minutes for all they're worth.

4:30am-Time to get out of bed. (again). Brushing through my latest improvement, I contemplate wearing a hat.

5:05am-Christa is outside, and it's the first white I've seen since leaving Boston.

5:25am-7am: I heard through rumor mill not long ago that the Starbucks company maybe be downsizing. After affirmative confirmation, I spend most of the morning diligently working around the store, appreciating the day for what it is. These early morning encounters with the Starbucks regulars may be nearing an end.

8:00pm- My store manager calls from Starbucks asking to trade shifts tomorrow. "No problem".
She maybe forgets that I've already done it once today, so I know what it will feel like tomorrow.

8:30pm- Phil is online, and I suggest a Killer Bunnies rematch. He decides Algebra is more important, and is probably correct.

Answers

Today/tonight was very very important to me.

I learned a lot, and in one night, in one hour...my life just "clicked".

I now know what I want to do with my life. I know what career I want to go into, and I have an amazing idea that if followed through, could really change my life oneday. I decided that I want to open up a business...and let's just leave it at that due to lack of sleep and I'm kind of shaky typing. I've decided to name my idea: Life is a Party.

I've had a really intense week, and through various forms of frustration, I let it out on Ryan. He was drunk, and I doubt he will recollect much of the arguing, but either way...I decided to just let it all go. Right back out of my life door, because I realize that sometimes, you can spend all your energy and time trying to get a person to see in your eyes, and in the end, they have to want to. Some people will eventually come around, some never will...and for the best/worst, I'm letting it lie. I believe that things are going to end up fine, and we'll see each other at some point.

I'm going to bed...my day off and I'm up WWWAAAAAYYYY later than i thought i would be.
I'm going to detail this night later, but it was enlightening.
I want to open up a business in the next 30 years.
and in the process of thinking, its named "life is a party".

Questions

So, I know I have a lot on my mind lately, but it's so cushed together, that I don't know how to expand it enough to really think about it.

What's currently on my mind (sry if subjects change):

Is there really "someone" for everyone?
I really never thought that ideas like this were realistic, but the more and more I think about it and try to push the idea away from my ideas.....real thoughts and real emotions don't really get thrown out, no matter how hard you try.

I have two subjects for two reasons why this is what's on my mind.

During the last minutes of October, I impulsively went to a party that I'll never regret.

There was a pretty random collection of guests, but for some reason I just felt drawn to one of them...and it was like an insta-best friend.

Then, as we have spent time getting to know each other on a more personal level, I really can't believe how much we can relate. In a healthy way.

But, I already have a best friend that I love more than most people.
And it would wreck me not to know her.

However as girls grow up, the once monumental bonding moments become more inanimate with time. We grow closer in the strangest ways, but new memories don't seem to be developing.
How long can you hold on to memories to direct your current day?

Another thing that has been on my mind is more personal than I make it out to be.
I have met a lot of captivating people in my life thus far.
And I'm no longer afraid of falling.
So what am I supposed to do when I'm fascinated by someone and I know it?
Like no matter how much I tell myself to just slow down and think with a different mindset, the same feelings keep jumping up and down in my head, and now they're carrying yellow road signs?

I just don't know what to think.

I'm so good at being myself that lately it has been worrying me.
I know what I want and I know all the risks that I take in life.

Yet, there's always someone, often several people in my day reminding me.
Tonight, someone confronted me about my sleep issue in a very serious way and it worried me, because I feel like this person was implying false assumptions about me.

I'm not on cocaine!!!

lol.

I'm just me. I have natural talent to harmonize the most clashing situations, and I don't judge people.

Yet, no matter how much I try to show people, no matter how honest I am, I feel like the people I care most about are afraid of me.

I just don't get life right now.

I was telling my best friend, and she said to me "Ty, I know you probably don't get what I'm saying, but not everybody is like you..."

And that scared me. I know she's right, and I don't expect anyone to be like me..I'm one of a kind, but I just wish that I could meet halfway with someone on the bridge of communication I'm trying to build. Or maybe it's just a bridge of understanding.

Is it possible to reallyreally care for someone that you barely know?

Is it possible for a girl to be "too good to be true", so everyone decides to walk on eggshells and question motives until they find a fault?

I thought I already have shown all my faults.

Which brings me to another point...
I forgot that I kinda have a "secret" until I was talking with my insta-friend the other day.

I told him something really personal, and then realized that I haven't told anyone in a long time.
But just because I have big stories I haven't told yet, doesn't mean I wouldn't tell them.

I want people to approach me without intimidation.
I want them to just go out on a limb and ask me the questions they want to know about me...because I'm not a liar, and I just want to be myself. I want my friends to know me for who I am, good and bad, happy and sad.

And I want to know what to do when I'm helplessly attracted to someone that I know is worth it.

Another Chance

I'm not going to attempt to sound smart as I write this, but I do have a feeling it needs to be written.

I have had a lot of recent "drama" squirrel its way into my life the last week or so, and it's made me see a new side of things.

On one point, I have had some flashback moments of life in Mass. I have had strange little incidences that just seem to happen. And then they make me think about what it was like living there, and my family that is stil there.

I have spent more time recently thinking to myself, and listening to the people that I value most.

What does it really mean to let something go?

How does the value of an idea increase when it's held dearly over time?

How many times is a person allowed to start over?

I have always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and that some people are destined to cross paths with one another for something more than a "hello".

And after talking about it today with a new friend, I really am thinking that at the times in my life when I feel like I don't feel my purpose, that's when God is taking the time to change my life for something big.

This year, beginning on Halloween, he stuck someone in my path of life that I just clicked with. Someone that I've grown to know and love and learn from and appreciate.

And after tonight, I feel like not only did he give me a great friend, but he have me a messenger.

Someone told me a funny analogy today.

I am upset my memory is so short, so here is my take on the gist of it as I remember.

Coming to God, is like caring for a baby.

you can't just do it all at once.

you have to feed the baby, baby food before feeding it adult food.

Familiar Boring Places

So, i just got home and im freezing cold. My ears are cold and i have a stomach ache and a headache, as well as feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

I feel like I'm in two places at once.
Boston (because im freezing cold) and somewhere else.

I've been thinking a lot about opportunity, success, and happiness, and how the three tie together.

I woke up after an unproductive day of sleep to an overwhelming hour of my day, and then decided I needed fresh air. Exiting the house I walk down the usual path that seems more and more familiar every day. Needing to cross the street at some point, I came to this realization:

I'm on the same boring path that I've been on the last six months.
Waiting for the same opportunity.

Here are my choices:
Slow down, and wait for it.
Turn around and go back where I started.
Risk my safety and go.
Travel a little further and hope for a better opportunity.

I chose the latter of my choices, and ended up fine.

And, then as time passed I wondered..
How come, the walk home always feels better than the walk away?

And then God sent me an answer:
Because, sometimes, you have to step outside the box to appreciate what's inside.

I may be cold, and I may be alone....
But I feel better.

Oh, the places the places

One of the most memorable quotes I've ever come across in my life so far states that
"Don't waste time worrying about people in the past if there is a reason they didn't make it to your future."

I have lived in different places and seen different things.

Escalante Utah (Oct 89-Sept06)-One of the most unlikely places for such beautiful land. The miniature town itself attracts naive tourists from even more unlikely backgrounds. Really though, the locals themselves know they'd be a better tour guide than a phamplet ever could. I've seen dinosaur tracks, caves, animals of all kind, lakes, cliffs, canyons, pictographs, indian huts, hidden trails, and irrational rock formations. It never mattered at all to me growing up there. Oddly enough, it all got old to me until I was forced to like it.

Boulder Mountains, Utah (Sept06-Jan07)- I can't belive how many people that i've met that have never heard of a wilderness program. Really. The commercials that inspire parents to send there troubled teens aren't as truthful as the experience itself. One of the very few books I've ever read wrote the experience to a T. It's called "shouting at the sky". And that author does a better job explaining this reality than I ever could.

Logandle, Nevada (Jan07-Oct07)- What a boring town. Close enough to Las Vegas by a 45min highway drive, but far enough that I have nothing much to say. I saw more "mormons" ratioed in this town than anywhere in utah. It was a seemingly boring place with people leading average boring lifestyles. My best memory was piling a bunch of friends into an old beat up samari jeep and "mudding" "climing" all over the dirt hills in the backyard.

Cambrige, Massachusetts(Oct07-June08)- This was place that I really found myself. I learned more in this city than I ever thought I could, but the most unpredictable means. And this is where I started the first (and current) job that I've ever really loved. I had the worst times of my life here, and the best. I learned so much about myself, family, about society, and really glad that my mother shared the opportunity for me. There is a place, not known to tourists unless it was google searched called "The Pit". And the funny thing is, is that it's not really a place at all. It's a sidewalked area. And anyone, anyone could talk to the people that accumulate in this area and have something to take away. (Even if it seemed bad at first, this is a great place for learning)

Lubbock, Texas (Dec04-May05) and (July08-Current)- The only place I've ever lived twice. That should say enough. Call it the bible-belt or just lots of good karma but I have definitely met some of the nicest, most inspiring people in this place. I have yet to have a horrible memory here, and for now....its staying that way. I guess I've finally learned to re-define events from my past. Is it really a bad memory, or a learning experience? Maybe bad things still happen to me here, but because I know how much worse it could be somewhere else on the planet, nothing's really that bad anymore?

Home is where the heart is. I wasn't born in lubbock. I didn't grow up in lubbock, nor does my immediate family ever plan on living here. But this is where a 19yr old girl calls home.

Time not Wasted

So it's now 2:15 in the morning, and i just realized that I've stayed awake hours longer than I wanted to wating up on a guy that might not even be worth it.

I don't like being alone, although those times are rare.

Tonight is one of the first nights in a long time where I'm glad there's no one around to witness my ship crashing. Maybe It has something to do with the new year. Or maybe I'm just sick. Either way, I decided I'm not sleeping now, but the reason is no longer some guy.

My entire life has been based on a raising of two completely different parents and some of the most unique situations I could ever imagine. My mom is one of the prettiest people I have ever seen (and Korean), and I've always been told that my dad was a very attractive man.

I never got my dad's blue eyes, or his blond hair, but as my teenage years are coming to end, I realize I have always been given his sense of curiousity and understanding.

My mom was married once before she married my dad. I think that marriage lasted less than half a year. And about when she was 18.

She married my dad at maybe 20, and managed it for as long as she could. In the process had four kids. When I was fifteen, she got married to a police officer that she think she loved, and i would not have known anything different.

Sometime between my dad and mr. las vegas metro, she met a really really wonderful person that she never told me about til last year.

Turns out, she was sad and still going through a divorce when she met bob, he was married and going through divorce, they met and dated for awhile, but could never make things fit.

8-9years later they got married.

He since has become a millionare, president of Tecogen, Inc.
and my mom, his wife.

My mom is such an interesting person that I may or may not spend my entire life trying to figure out, but to say the least.... Although she is gorgeous, rich, and happy?, I have spent my time doing almost everything in my power to not end up like her.

Call it insane, call it self-searching, but I just don't want to see myself turn into the person I've spent my entire life trying to get to know.

Lately, I feel like I'm falling into that ever-avoidable trap.

I already look like half of her, and It has brought me enough blessings, often too many.
I can't figure out where I am at in my life right now, other than that I have caught myself caring more about my clothes, hair, etc than I have ever before, and turning into an OCD money planner. I haven't truly listened to my friends much lately, nor do I know what is going on between me and the unknown potentially close bf.

These are three things that my mother has spent the last 10years sponging herself in.
And I'm soooooo afraid of being that.
Being her.

Half is enough, and I'm not quite sure what or where my other half is right now. I really need to find it and I don't know how. I need help and I don't know how to ask for it.

For once, I don't know how to go about getting what I want.

Or by means of whom.
So...If I could ever fall asleep, I'd sleep on it.
For now, I'm trying to analyze this trap from the designer's point of view.